Exit Wounds: The Perfect Space In My Head

FRIENDS ONLY

2004-08-09T09:08:08Z

This Is Yesterday

2004-07-27T12:11:39Z

This Is Yesterday
(Words: Nicky Wire/Richey James; Music: James Dean Bradfield/Sean Moore)

Do not listen to a word I say
Just listen to what I can keep silent
The only way to gain approval
Is by exploiting the very thing that cheapens me

And I stare at the sky
And it leaves me blind
I close my eyes
And this is yesterday

Someone somewhere soon will take care of you
I repent, I'm sorry, everything is falling apart
Houses as ruins and gardens as weeds
Why do anything when you can forget everything

And I stare at the sky
And it leaves me blind
I close my eyes
And this is yesterday

I stare at the sky
And it leaves me blind
I close my eyes
And this is yesterday

© 1994 Sony Music Publishing Ltd.

MOJO ARTICLE FEBRUARY 2002 - THE ART OF FALLING APART

2004-07-23T06:17:47Z

The Art Of Falling Apart

On February 1, 1995, Richey Edwards of the Manic Street Preachers seemingly vanished off the face of the earth. Six years on, Stuart Bailie looks at the extraordinary life and strange disappearance of rock's most famous missing person.

It is mid-April, 1994. The Manic Street Preachers have almost finished their third album and are in the midst of a photo session on London's Fulham Road. Richey Edwards, who has authored many of the new songs, passes some spare time by filling in a questionnaire for a regional magazine. The second answer concerns the issue of suicide, wanting to know if Richey has given it some thought lately. Apparently not. "Never have," Richey writes. "Self-mutilation is a very differnet issue to suicide. It is a controlled pain personal to you, allowing you to live/exist to some degree."

These are the questions that Richey has routinely answered for the past three years, ever since his habit of self-laceration became public. The interest has been quickened by the recent suicide of Kurt Cobain. Richey watchers also understand that he is mourning the death of his co-manager Philip Hall. The Manics played a charity tribute for him in London in March, bringing Bernard Butler, late of Suede, on for a few songs at the Clapham Grand. What isn't generally known is the fact that a college friend, Nigel, has just taken his own life. Richey's mood is blackened further by the fact that his old dog, Snoopy, is going blind and is losing control of its back legs. Edwards is also depressed by the growing trend of historical revisionism. He even makes a point that Schindler's List is dangerous in its attempts to "humanise" the Holocaust.

Some of these emotions find their way into the questionnaire, which later appears in DV8 magazine. As is often the case, Richey pulls together a startling image for the end. The final poser asks him what he would do in the minutes before an all-out nuclear war. What message would he leave for the next inhabitants of the planet? His misanthropy in response: "I'd cut off my cock, nail it to the wall with a message. 'If you can learn to live without this you might do a better job than humanity'."

Thus, Richey's ideas telegraphed across the music press. Sometimes he was provocative or gave spiky entertainment. Four years before he was an introverted student with bad skin, sometimes venturing to the indie disco in Swansea. No he'd found his platform. Bob Stanley was on the rise with Saint Etienne as the Manics started their own ascent. He used his former trade as a journalist to place the band's first review and feature with Melody Maker. Today, the memory of Edwards' impact remains as strong as ever: "Richey was the one who came out with the best quotes; he was the most lucid. I got the feeling that he was the driving force. He was very intense, ver inspiring. Plus he looked fantastic. he looked like a star. He was very quiet and seemed ver intelligent.

"You know that thing when you can't tell whether something was really funny or really brilliant? That's what the Manics were like when I first saw them live. Richey first got in touch with me. He wrote, 'Dear Bob, inspire me, Richey.' I've got a T-shirt he made me. It says 'Revolution Flower' on it. And there was a letter explaining how to make a Manics-style. We did, actually. Saint Entienne did a tour with the Manics, and me and Pete [Wiggs] had made these T-shirts, with 'Ballroom Blitz' and '48 Crash' on them. We thought they'd be really pleased, but they thought we were taking the piss. You know, I never really thought it was that odd what he did afterwards. After what they said about committing suicide on Top Of The Pops [an early Manics declaration]. I dind't know him well, but it seemed like he really meant it."

Richey went missing by the River Severn on February 1, 1995. You can make a strong enough case for suicide. Then again, there are some plausible hints that he contrieved his own disappearance and is presently fixing up an entirely different life. In the past seven years, Richey's vaporous presence has hung over the Manics as they have carried off a shelf-load of awards, have topped the UK charts, heard their biggest anthems bellowed across football stadia while a subindustry of Welsh music (Cool Cymru to some) has followed in the band's trail. None of this was a given seven years ago.

Actually, in 1994, the Manic Street Preachers were a hit-and-miss band whose singles tended to skid across the lower end of the UK Top 30. Their debut album hadn't sold a fraction of the promised 16 million copies, nor had they imploded at the heights of international cool. Instead, they put out a rather dull second LP, supported Bon Jovi, said a few petty things to upset the liberals and relied on a cult following for their sustenance. Their ability to fascinate the music media had diminished and their manifesto was apparently in bits. Elsewher, the first skirmishes in the Battle of Britpop were being fought, as Blur and Oasis thrashed it out, prompting a surge in the youth market. The Manics, it seemed, were so far away from the drift that they weren't especially relevant.

But two things happened that year to redefine the band's standing. Firstly, they made a great album, The Holy Bible, mauling the cheery consensus. The record dealt out vicious lessons on the Holocaust, serial killers, European despots and America's dishonest foreign policy. The band members weren't exempt from the critical heat, as they itemised their own failings and debasement with considerable disgust. The music was suitably infernal and the lyric sheet was a shocker. This related to the second aspect of the Manics' tough passage through '94. Richey Edwards was dangerously self-obsessed, increasingly unwell.

The dysfunctional markers in his public life were already a matter of record. In earlier times, Richey had worn his alien status with pride, rubbishing the under-achievers of indie rock, and quoting the big thinkers with the confidence of an ultra-sharp Humanities student. He used hatred as artistic fuel and avoided intimacy outside of the band. He famously caused a rumpus in 1991 when he carved '4 Real' on his forearm to persuade then NME journalist Steve Lamacq that he was, in fact, on a serious mission. This wasn't an isolated case. Twelve months later, I was in his company when he took an allergic reaction to the tequila he'd been knocking back. His arms turned pink and swollen, thus highlighting dozens of scars, burns and lesions, road maps of an anger turned inwards. There was a fresh hole on one hand that he'd dug out earlier that day with an unwound paper clip. Around the gash, he'd drawn a series of concentric circles. It looked like a target. With some irony, he called these creations his "war wounds". Possibly without meaning to, Richey had founded his own section within the Manics sub-culture: the cutters, anorexics, bulimics and sundry distressed souls who empathised with his situation. Meantime, Richey tried to conquer chronic insomnia with alcohol, medicating himself with vodka, clearly not thrilled by the constant touring and the dread that battered him so relentlessly.

On April 22, 1994, the Manics played the first of two shows in Bangkok, ahead of the Holy Bible campaign. Fans were cleary hip to Richey's history and many of them at the singning sessions held up pictures of the guitarist in his various phases - the seditionary with mascara and stenciled blouse, the spirit-soaked existentialist of '92, plus the more recent shots that demonstrated the results of a fitness regime that included 1,500 sit-ups per day. Richey looked slightly embarrassed when the Thai locals gave him a welcoming garland. Disturbingly, a boy also presented him with a set of little knives.

Richey chose his moment during the acoustic session near the end of the gig at the MBK Hall. James Dean Bradfield was singing an acoustic version of Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head, allowing the others a chance to leave the stage for a bit. In the toilet adjacent to the dressing room, Richey took one of the knives he'd been given and sliced at least 10 strokes on his chest. He then sat down and lit up a cigarette. Presently, Nicky Wire and Sean Moore sat beside him on a sofa, and they passed a few minutes quietly before returning to the stage for Motorcycle Emptiness and You Love Us.

"Richey showed me the note," recalls Kevin Cummins, who photographed the incident. "He'd been sent these ceremonial swords, which were like a table-top gift set. And this kid had said, 'Would you slash yourself on-stage for me?' Richey said to me, 'That's ridiculous. It's just exhibitionism. Why would I do that?' So he cut himself backstage instead."

Publicly at least, the band tried to make light of it. Sean's response was that "the only people who are disturbed by Richey cutting himself are those that don't know him". But this wasn't just another sporadic case. When the remaining Manics reviewed the the Tailand trip with hindsight in 1996, they admitted that their friend had reached a new, troublesome threshold. And frankly, they added, they hadn't known him quite as well as they thought they had.

Richey had been the last to join the Manics. Before playing live, he had driven the band and hauled gear as they promoted their debute single, suicide Alley. He officially signed up on December 11, 1989. He'd been a longstanding mate of the others, sharing schools in Blackwood, South Wales. The band already had a name, an identity of sorts, and rough versions of songs like Motorcycle Emptiness were at hand. What he offered was the tireless effort of a theorist and propagandist, spinning the potential into a well-formed scheme, ripe for the coming information war. He wrote fan letters to bands such as Big Flame and The Jasmine Minks, looking for encouragement. He badgered labels and music biz contacts with long, intruguing declarations, lined with quotations, beat-style riffs and challenging throw-downs.

Kevin Pearce, who was involved with the Hungry Beat fanzine and Esurient Records, received a letter every week, often several pages long. Richey would enthuse about Dexy's Midnight Runners, Paul Weller and lesser-known acts such as The Hellfire Sermons and The Claim. Richey would literally outline his reasons for living, and communication, particularly when he was at Swansea University. "He had enough energy to fuel the nation," Pearce remembers fondly.

"Richey was absolutely fantastic, the way he spoke and wrote about things," says Jim Shepherd from Aberdeen act The Jasmine Minks, who were once singed to Creation Records. He received his first Richey letter when the Suicide Alley single came out. In the note, Richey maintained that his band had taken their name from a Jasmine Minks mini-album, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 All Good Preachers Go To Heaven. "He was just like this mad agitator. The way he put things across to me - the music didn't actually live up to it. I alway thought it was like Stiff Little Fingers, it was old hat. But the way he spoke about South Wales and the mentality there, it really spurred me on, and lots of other people, I'm sure. He'd just stop in the middle of a letter and there'd be two pages of his own poetry before he came back to the point. Obviously, his brain was buzzin'."

In a letter from Swansea to Steven Gatehouse, an old friend, Richey noted: "Manic Street Preachers - I don't know why everyone hates me for associating with them...whatever you think of them it's obvious that they got the songs to smash this fucking apathy. Now MSP may hate me, but that's not the point. That doesn't detract from the point that they are good."

Richey's time as a prolific artist was book-ended by Shaun Ryder singing, "I don't read, I just guess" and Liam Gallagher admitting that he'd only ever read one book, The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe. In contrast, Richey and Nicky used their library tickets with intent. They presented themselves to the media as the Glamour Twins, name-checking gay authors and revolutionaries, revving on Rumblefish, scented in Cacharel, clothes by Miss Selfridge, cosmetics from Boots. Withering dismissals and purring sarcasm were a speciality. While a generation of clubbers were getting touchy-feely on Ecstasy, the Manics necked Babycham and pointedly refused the outstreched hand of Carter USM.

At his best, Richey was a happy shopper and a terrible gossip. He could stretch the name of an adversary around the extremities of his mouth, sour-facing and queening in a style that John Lydon and Kenneth Williams would have appreciated. Like Morrissey, he obviously enjoyed putting space between himself and people he judged unworthy. He made tremendous sport out of this. He could steer a conversation around the footballing fortunes of Luton Town and the mishapes of minor league rock writers. This Generation Terrorist played a passable game of golf and was irate when BBC2 cut its darts coverage in 1992. He was gentle with children and polite to old ladies. He kept unopened cans of beans in the fridge, fearing they would go off. He took his laundry home to his mam's because the workings of a washing machine were beyond him. When the drink hit him favourably, he could do the Moonwalk like Michael Jackson. Bedazzled journalists wanted to be his friend. Fans decided to be his confidants and many were inspired to come out, sexually or creatively. Groupies saw a prestigious catch for the collection. And for a time, Richey liked the job.

He preferred the services of veteran groupies for sex because it involved no sentimental attachment: he'd later refer to his desires as "nature's lukewarm pleasure". Sometimes he took younger fans to his room for the equivalent of a rock'n'roll slumber party, when he'd bring out his Snoopy make-up bag, and they'd share tips on mascara and nail polish. It was fine as long as there was no unnecessary touching. And hugging was just about out of the question.

This vivid era effectively dimmed when the debut double album, Generation Terrorists was completed. The residential sessions at Black Barn Studios, Ripley had over-run by an age and cost a reported £500,000. During their 23-week stay, Richey and Nicky had decorated the walls of their shared room, Joe Orton style, with collages of actresses, Warhol prints, punk icons and Expressionist art. When it was time to leave, an emotional Richey made a bonfire out of the cuttings. On the coming tours, the band would entertain themselves with Walkmans and Sega games. Some of the camaraderie, the urge to sustain two-day arguments over the aesthetic of Guns N'Roses (million-selling rock'n'roll) versus McCarthy (indie cred, political dialectic) had already declined.

Actually, the recording sessions for The Holy Bible had revived some of that togetherness. The Manics had decided to work out of Soundspace Studios in Cardiff, a relatively cheap location by the red light district. This was partly a reaction against the compromised sheen of their second album, Gold Against The Soul. Normally, Nicky would have delivered half of the lyrical ideas. This time he worked on songs like This Is Yesterday, but he recognised that his writing partner was unusually prolific. So instead he was guiding the process, doling out a title like Faster and then marvelling as Richey fetched up the opening lines, alluding to his self-lacerating ways: "I am an archtect, they call me a butcher/I am a pioneer, they call me primitive." James wore a balaclava for the Top Of The Pops rendition of the song in June, cranking the anxiety level up some more.

Richey was the only Manic with a driving licence, so he brought the band to the studio each day. He'd drink a bit, catch some sleep during the recordings, and then drop the others off when the daily shift was through. He worked on the visuals for the new record and furthered his reading profile into the texts of Mishima, Octave Mirbeau, Dennis Cooper and J.G. Ballard, a journey into the body politic. In a summer Select issue themed around the issue of porn, Richey name-checked the above writers and praised the Japanese movie, Tetsuo, The Iron Man, in which the central figure melds with machinery with gruesome consequences. "I find it really sexy," he reckoned. "I think people are becoming more machine-like and that's the imagery, bleeding..."

Sometimes after recording sessions he'd go on the twon with James, taking in a disco, indulging in what the singer called "a bit of pullage". The Welsh musci scene was getting busy by this stage, partly due to the Manic effect, and Richey would socialise with some of the characters around Newport. One of his closest mates was Byron Harris, known as Bun. He was a family friend from Risca, south of Blackwood, and had cut a flamboyant style with a band Suck. Richey also spent some time with champion carousers the 60 Foot Dolls. The band's drummer, Carl Bevan, remembers some of the débàcles around town.

"Richey was into some serious alcohol abuse, which seemed to be symptomatic of something - which I can say, knowing piss artists and possibly being one myself. He liked nothing better than to get absolutely trashed. You'd see him in the Murringer or Le Pub, drinking a lot of vodka. His head was in his hands, or in an ashtray, or something. Bun adored him. He was proud of his mate for being in a famous band. And Bun used to look after Richey. Which, if you met Bun, was amazing."

After the wrench of Thailand, the band got into messy circumstances in Portugal. Richey was crying uncontrollably. The band had last played there when their co-manager and friend Philip Hall was dying of cancer the previous December. They held things together until Glastonbury, June 24, when the band mocked the hippy ideal with their military chic and jungle netting. Nicky suggested the site would be better under concrete. Richey acted like he'd had a decent time, and the festival series was apparently under way.

His rudimentary guitar playing was still a problem, however. He had this fantasy about a mythical chord that would fit every song. Failing that, what about a song with only one chord? The nearest he got was when the Manics did a live version of the Happy Mondays' Wrote For Luck, and he could indeed busk the entire piece without moving his hands around the frets. He was delighted. But most of the time, Richey just made do. His playing was mostly absent from the studio sessions. On-stage, you could hear him playing low in the mix, a basic, scratchy soundtrack. He stood to James' right, hacking at his Telecaster, observing the fans.

"When we used to play From Despair To Where," Nicky rememberd, "there's a point at the start where Richey would have his whiskys lined up, and when James was doing the intro he'd be kneeling down, going 'Boosh! Boosh! Boosh!' It always used to make me laugh. He'd have a big smile on his face."

After Glastonbury, though, Richey went back to his new flat by Atlantic Wharf in Cardiff. He was gripped by some kind of hypermania. On breakfast television, he saw a clip from Paint Your Wagon, in which Lee Marvin was singing Wand'rin' Star. He spend a couple of days musing over the import of the line "Hell is in hello", triggering some kind of metaphysical meltdown. When his friends found him, he'd been cutting himself more and his weight had crashed. "Everybody just got really scared when they saw him," Nicky explained a few weeks later. Richey was sent for treatment and the press was informed that he had succumbed to "nervous exhaustion".

On September 16, we arrived as scheduled at the Blue Stone Studios, by the Preseli Hills in Pembrokeshire. The Manics were preparing for some French dates with Therapy? and their instruments were installed in the airy outhouse. As ever, James's gear was set up in the middle. Richey's guitar was propped nearby. The band had already performed as a trio at Strathclyde's T In The Park on July 30 and then Reading, August 27. Richey, recently discharged from the clinic, had insisted on joining them again.

He had also agreed to an interview for the NME. In this two-month absence, the others had promoted The Holy Bible. Like many durable bands, the manics had become versatile under pressure with members taking the strain in turn. James was always a powerful figure on-stage, and there were times during the Reading gig when he shouldered everything. It was a deeply affecting sight. In the past, Bradfield had ducked out of interviews. He was tense and self-conscious, unable to articulate his piece. Now he was accepting that job alongside Nicky, and managing well. Nicky looked over the previous months with distaste. "The Zeitgeist of this year in general is fucking death and destruction".

He was right. Hillary Clinton had already given off to the New York Times, condemning the national wash of "alienation and despair and hopelessness". The required text for the period was Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation, a more understanding anatomy of the mood, which noted: "One of the creepiest moments for me was discovering that six million Americans had taken Prozac. As a Jew, I had always associated that number with something else entirely."

Douglas Copeland's Generation X had prompted a media interest in a supposedly disenfranchised youth, with poor job prospects and a dwindling demographic power. Richey knew the book and, at the start of 1994, he got his chance to meet the man. Julie Burchill had arranged a party at her home to welcome Copeland to London. Richey arrived as the "quasi boyfriend" of teenage journalist Emma Forrest. He wore a yellow 'Fairy' T-shirt , a pastiche of the washing-up brand. Burchill's partner at the time, Cosmo Landesman, was promted to remark: "That is one of the most beautiful men I have ever met." Then he added: "He's not long for this world." The group adjourned to the Groucho Club, and Richey held his own, quizzing the American about his involvement in sleeve design and marketing. In turn, he was talking about his spheres of interest. At one stage, he asked Compeland who his favourite writer was. The answer was Joan Didion. Richey was horribly ashamed because he didn't know who she was. Other people would have shrugged and got on with a pleasant night. But Richey was totally bummed out.

Kurt Cobain killed himself on April 5. The last Nirvana album, In Utero shared many themes with The Holy Bible. Nirvana's Rape Me, like the Manics' Yes, was the admission of a creative spirit all carved up and commodified. Richey liked the record. He'd learned of Cobain's death when the band were mixing their own album at Britannia Studios, the same place where Ian Curtis had committed his bleak lyrics to tape with Joy Division. The Manics had put Cobain's Pennyroyal Tea in their setlist for Reading and then Europe. It was soon joined by a version of PiL's Public Image, John Lydon's 1978 declaration of freedom from the Sex Pistols and wasteful notoriety.

Richey didn't look well at Blue Stone, but he was in better physical shape than the rumours had suggested. His skin was waxy and he was certainly thin. on his combat trousers he had scrawled a line: "Even rats know where their tails are." He wore a girl's skimpy parka that he'd bought in a children's shop in Fishgate. He was operating in slow motion, possibly stoned on prescription pills. And his eyes, which had been so commanding in the past, were locked into a different focus. It was like the stare of a war veteran, abstracted, out of reach.

The band posed for photos at Cardigan Bay, splashing in the water, petting dogs, touching and reassuring each other. Richey was again detached. He drove us back to Blue Stone in the band's silver Cavalier, In Utero blaring on the tape deck. He then posed for a solo shot in the garden, taking off his coat, revealing fresh scars on his upper arm. He put his arm around a stone statue and hugged it tightly. Kevin Cummins, who took the shot, found this image more disturbing than the bloody scenes in Thailand.

James sat by Richey in the bedroom as the interview commenced. On an adjacent bed, Richey had lined his books into tidy rows, tomes on the war poets, Eastern religion and '40s movie stars. And as he talked, he regained some of the old compossure. As before, he argued his case quietly, his lilting tones falling at the end of each line. "It just went wrong," he supposed. "My mind sugjected my body to things that it couldn't cope with. Which meant I was ill. For the first time, I was a bit scared, because I always thought I could handle it."

He worried that this interview would be perceived as a sales pitch, using his illness to up the profile of The Holy Bible. So he stressed the record's political themes - chiefly that right-wing historians were questioning the authenticity of the Holocaust. He reminded us that Die In The Summertime was written from the perspective of an old man, and that 4st 7lb was about a girl's self-image problems. Sure, Richey had been anorexic, but not to that extent. This wasn't autobiography, he maintained. It wasn't writing as therapy, and if he ever found himself doing that, he would leave the band. Neither was the record put together as a last will and testament: "In terms of the 'S' word, that does not enter my mind, and it never has done. In terms of an Attempt. I am stronger than that."

He mentioned the Spanner Trial, a 1987 operation directed by the Greater Manchester Police, who had studied hobbyist videos of consensual sado-masochism. Men were attaching fish hooks to their penises and branding each other. At one stage, a nail was hammered through a scrotum while a recording of Gregorian chants played in the background. Sixteen men were arrested under the 1861 Offences Against The Person Act. The trial led to imprisonment in 1994 when it was ruled that consent was not a valid defence in court. Richey didn't agree. "Justice Templeman said he was sending them to prison because 'cruelty was uncivilised'. What right has he got to say that - in terms of an individual's democratic right to choice?"

Whatever he'd learned during his recuperative period, he still couldn't be deterred from the idea that life after childhood was a case of dwindling prospects. This was something we'd discussed back in 1992 when the tequila was flowing and there was still scope for humour. Richey was smiling as we slouched in a Los Angeles bar, drawing poor approximations of circles on beer mats and talking philosophy.

"The only perfect circle on a human body is the eye," he figured. "When a baby is born, it's so perfect, but when it opens its eyes, it's just blinded by the corruption and everything is a downward spiral." The 1994 version was no easier. "Up to the age of 13, I was ecstatically happy. Then everything started going wrong. In my twenties there's nothing that's been that spectacular since."

Initially, Richey had been treated for eight days at Whitchurch NHS hopital in Cardiff. He was heavily sedated and his friends were appalled when they saw him there. Their manager, Martin Hall, found him a place at The Priory in Roehampton, a private establishment with a white gothic front and a more strident programme of treatment. At the time, the clinic was headed by Dr. Desmond Kelly, who spoke openly about his belief in "Divine Providence". The Doctor slaso countered accusations that this was an exclusive rest home for the rich and decandent. "The Priory is not for the worried well. The people here are seriously ill." Other veterans have included Paula Yated, Paul Merson, Michael Barrymore, Caroline Aherne and Kate Moss.

The Priory method used questionnaires, drama therapy and yoga, among other things. Patients were encouraged to keep a log book and to read from a book called Believing In Myself. Even when Richey was being treated, Nicky was sceptical about some of the ideas, especially the drame. "Those are obviously things that Richey will not do. I can't see him putting up with that 'I am a cushion' stuff somehow." The dilemma was plain. Their friend needed help, yet the Richey they cared for was the sum of many spiky, valuable parts.

Presently, he'd be writing LOVE down the length of his fingers and quoting from Leviticus and Ecclesiastes. But when I spoke to him later, he was ambivalent. "Religion has always been pretty central in my thoughts. I'm surprised people think The Holy Bible is a strange title for an album. I've read The Bible back-to-back and what I find in it is not what they taught me in church. I was made to go to church when I was young - my parents didn't go, but I was made to go. You're a little kid and you're five minutes late or you miss a Sunday, and some appallingly fat old man in his eighties is screaming fire and brimstone in some little Welsh Elim Chapel. I could never reconcile that with what I'd read in The Bible."

The core of the Priory system was a 12-point recovery programme. One section asked each patient to reconcile themselves with a higher power. Richey could only think of nature as a likely answer, but realised that cruelty was also part of that scheme. However, he reckoned, he had plenty of time to think that issue through in the coming weeks. The French tour had started reasonably enough, leading to UK dates and then back to Europe for shows with Suede, starting on November 7. But the stress grew steadily. James was drinking heavily now and Nicky was in bits. The latter wrote his first ever love song, Further Away, "When I decided I wanted to go home." Richey had cut a vertical slash on his stomach in Amsterdam requiring 36 stitches. He was obsessed over the Dennis Hopper character in Apocalypse Now and the last days of Def Leppard guitarist Steve Clark, who had been so distressed with his lot that he'd considered chopping his fingers off. The tour ended in Hamburg, December 14. In the morning, Richey was found outside the hotel banging his head against a wall.

In the midst of this, Edwards managed to write an NME tribute to the situationist thinker Guy Debord, whose work had inspired the Paris riots, punk rock and ultimately, the Manics. Shortly after Debord killed himself, Richey declared: "True force. No copyright. No rights reserved. No motorcycle emptiness. No modern life is rubbish. No time. No history. The time is short and if we live, we tread on kings."

His last shows with the band were at the Astoria in London, December 19-21. Like many of the people there, I watched the first nicht with a mixture of affection and ghoulish compulsion. Richey was actually playing his guitar quite well by this stage. He had a fresh set of tattoos on his shoulders: arcane maps, possibly Dante's circles of hell or some other purgatorial design. There was a shrill mood at the event, and apparently the band were suffering nose-bleeds each night due to some unfixable fault in the sound. There was a special resonance to You Love Us at this moment; a many-layered discourse between the band, the media and the howling fan-base. This was their closing song on December 21, as the Manics trashed the stage, venting so much nervous energy. Pennie Smith took a memorable photograph of Richey on the drum riser, dismantling Sean's kt, one day shy of his 27th birthday, looking absent-minded in fierce surroundings.

"There's one shot that gives me the creeps," Pennie rembembers, "only in retrospect. Richey's looking at me and through the camera. Even when I took it, I thought, What was that look for? Not making anything bigger of it, but he didn't usually catch the camera's eye, he was usually too busy. He was like in his own sweet world, but maybe knew the camera was there. It's like you're locked into somthing that's nothing to do with the gig or the audience. Sometimes you know what it is, and sometimes it's in the abstract and later it makes sense. Yet i did some group shots at the time, and in a lot of the pictures he was just really laughing."

Emma Forrest says she was an "acquaintance" of Richey's in the run-up to The Holy Bible. "The reason he liked hanging out with me was because I was young and he thought of me as non-sexual. But I was starting to feel sexual, so to be around this beautiful man who I know had absolutely no interest in me was just so tortuous. I did stay up all night talking to him, or slept at his hotel room, but again these were entirely non-sexual things. I was learning from the wise master, how to be a teenager - how to be miserable and self-loathing, how to be totally selfish and self-obsessed."

Richey's illness was compounded by the fact that he had tunnelled himself into a place in rock'n'roll that was uniquely, unhappily his. He'd never had a proper relationship; he was so hung up on perfection that it ring-fenced his potential for regular experience. And then he talked about it, bringing those issues into the public, the planks on which the Richey character existed. Which was fine for his iconic status, but not much use for his humanity.

"I remember seeing all these fresh cuts all over his arms," Emma remembers. "He was always so flip about them, almost boastful. And like a retarded teenager, I said, Wow, those are so cool! And he was so angry. That night, he was so drunk that I think I saw a level of honesty I never saw before or after. He said, 'That is not cool. It's pathetic.' Actually, after that, we never had any profound interaction. Maybe it's because I'd seen behind the curtain."

Back in his college days, Richey had written to his friend Steve Gatehouse about music's potential: "I have always, always, only sanctioned music with moral purpose...to me, punk is Isaac Newton". Compare this to a much later interview in Sheffield, printed in the Molotov Cocktails fanzine: "The fucking tragedy about human life is that it means like, so fucking little, unless you are like Einstein or Newton, you are just, like, fucking continuous raw cattle that has no control over what is does...that's the tragedy of human existence, that it is so fucking pointless...the only people that matter are the Newtons and the Einsteins, they're the only things that count. I think if you can beat nature you're worthy, iy you can't you're another dying thing."

One of the last books Richey endorsed was Novel With Cocaine, by a mysterious figure called M. Ageyev. It's the fictional account of Vadim, a Russian student between the First World War and the Revolution. He's a libertine and a cynic, infecting his sexual partners and debasing his mother. Then he experiences an ideal, intellectualised love but can't reconcile it with his desires, and this schism leads to a torrid binge of drugs and self-questioning: "The feelings I experienced under the spell of cocaine were so potent that my power of self-observation dwindled to a state only found in certain mental illnesses. But the moment the cocaine was gone and the misery took over, I began to see myself for what I was; indeed, the misery consisted in seeing myself as I had been while under the influence of the drug."

Richey, the post-modern, reflexive rocker, who manifested pain and then pulled away to view himself in the abstract, was familiar with Vadim's drift. In January 1995, he decided that he'd had enough of the caper.

The last part of the story is worn with retelling, but it's still a terrible sequence, an accident that nobody, certainly not the band, could have avoided. The Manics had a firm structure of business friends around them. It couldn't really be suggested that they worked him out of a cynical desire to make capita. The collective decision was that he was dangerous on his own, when he had too much time to think, and so they appreciated his stated desire to keep working. Thus in early January, Richey joined the band for several days of rehearsals at the House In The Woods, Surrey. They were thinking up ideas for the Judge Dredd soundtrack. Richey was also writing for the new album, which he figured might sound like "Pantera meets Nine Inch Nails meets Screamadelica". He made copies of the lyrics for everyone, and passed a few presents around. In spite of his anorexic dramas with chocolate bars, it was an upbeat time, and songs such as Kevin Carter and Small Black Flowers That Grow In The Sky were developing. Later he handed in a second cache of lyrics, including a piece about ballerinas getting their feet chopped off. This was left unused.

He was upset when Snoopy, his dog, died on January 14, but Nicky was glad that he was shedding unscripted emotion, rather than relying on Priory speak. He shaved his hair off and turned up at a 60 Foot Dolls gig at Le Pub in Newport. Carl Bevan and many others didn't recognise him. "He had a loose expression, like there was something loose in his head."

On January 23, Richey spoke to Midori Tsukagoshi from the Japanese magazine, Music Life. He posed for pictures in his pyjamas and shaven head. He wore Converse sneakers (just like Kurt Cobain's) on his feet, while his eyes were rimmed with insomnia. He talked of Mishima and Morrissey, explained that he'd been "abandoning things", such as imperfect lyrics and notes, and throwing them in the river. He explained that his abstinence from alcohol allowed him more time to be creative, and sounded positive about the Manics' future. "The band is getting better and better. The lyrics are too. I've found better ways to express myself. Though I don't need to know if my words have become more acceptable than before, I hope they have."

There was mention of a potential relationship, although it wasn't exactly straightforward. "Since the band started, I've only really been involved with one girl...but I've never told her I love her. I've known her for years, but I've only kissed her once...that's all. How can I explain? When I love somebody, I feel sort of trapped."

"The last time I spoke to him, he was in a very positive mood," says Midori Tsukagoshi. "As usual, he was a very artistic person."

Richey and James checked into the Embassy Hotel on London's Bayswater Road on January 31. They were headed off to America for a promotional trip - ahead of a US tour. James knocked at room 561 at 8.30pm, and asked his friend if he wanted to go out for a bit, but Edwards declined. "He said he'd see me in the morning. He was smiling, running a bath. He was in a good mood."

Richey parcelled up a box of books, pictures and videos (including Equus and Naked) for a friend - apparently it was for the girl he'd mentioned in the Japanese interview - with a note: "I love you." He rang his mother, mentioned that he wasn't keen on the upcoming trip, but didn't sound overly troubled.

But contrary to their plans, he left the hotel at 7am on February 1 and drove to his flat in Cardiff, where he dropped off his Prozac and some other affairs.

"He left his passport neatly on the desk in his flat," his sister Rachel told The Sun, "and there was a toll receipt for £2.70 and 30p change nearby. I have been over and over in my mind what he was trying to say by leaving that receipt. Before he disappeared, Richey had become obsessed with the perfect disappearance."

He'd been withdrawing £200 per day in the fortnight leading up to his departure. The silver Vauxhall Cavalier was found at the Aust Service Station by the Severn Bridge on February 12 and identified as his two days later. The battery was flat, suggesting that he'd been sleeping in the car for a time, using the heater or playing the radio. But there's nothing that we know for sure after February 1.

There have been supposed sightings in Goa, Fuerteventura, Liverpool, Shropshire, Swansea, London and many other places, but no substantial evidence has been forthcoming. The Manics hired a private detective, but again, nothing. Richey's family continue the search. After all, he had expressed a keen interest in artists like Rimbaud and J.D. Sallinger who had ditched their public lives, the former lighting out for Africa and the latter building a secluded existence in the countryside.

Conversely, though, many of Richey's favourite artists (Sylvia Plath, Mishima, Ian Curtis, Tony Hancock, Kurt Cobain, Guy Debord) were suicides. But most of these figures left with a grand gesture, a summation at least. Richey just walked off the page.

After months of stasis, the Manic Street Preachers started writing and recording again.

"Carrying on," Nicky explained, "was more easy than just staying in and waiting by the phone. Just worrying."

Their first new song as a trio was the song Design For Life. Nicky's sentiments were compassionate and inclusive: a discourse on the welfare state, national pride, working class stereotypes, economic policy and old socialist values. The tune was grandly melancholic and it charted at Number 2. They had become a popular band.

The subsequent album, Everything Must Go featured some of Richey's lyrics, and admissions of his loss were deep in the music. It certainly wasn't a flip process. During the mixing sessions, the three friends were obliged to sign sheaves of documents, setting up a trust fund for Richey's royalties and making provisions for the worst eventuality.

James felt it was "the most final thing". Nicky agreed. "That was really depressign, doing all that legal shit. You've gotta wait seven years until he's declared dead. We wanted everything to be proper. But doing that, it just makes him seem like a number. It was really sad."

Unless something hugely dramatic happens before February 1, 2002 the courts will delare that Richey is legally dead. It's not a story you would wish on anyone.

Thanks to the following for their help: Colin Carberry, Andrew Collins, Vivian Campbell and Claire Catman

Protest And Survive

From schizoid metal manifestos to radio-friendly Marxist rock. Roy Wilkinson guides us through the Manics' back catalogue.

Generation Terrorists (1992)
The production input indicated a desire to encompass both the FM-rock paradigm (via Steve Brown, who'd worked with Thin Lizzy and Freddy Mercury) and state-of-the-art pop as enraged protest (a remix by Public Enemy's Bomb Squad). The lyrics suggested some lunatic symposium featuring Sylvia Plath, Crass and David Lee Roth. Motorcycle Emptiness may have been the only truly fully formed song, but this album gave astonishing notice of a brilliant, hysterical sense of ambition.

Gold Against The Soul (1993)
A relatively muted second album, but one that still refferenced Vincent Van Gogh's suicide note and raised questions beyond rock'n'roll's normal surly palette: for example, the worth and wonder of old people. But, aside from La Tristesse Durera (Scream To A Sigh), this album drew too heavily on FM-rock staples.

The Holy Bible (1994)
The Manic Street Preachers' masterpiece. This ached with Richey Edwards's increasingly fargone presence and presented rock music that was not remotely afraid to address anything - from Belsen to anorexia to "Mensa, Miller and Mailer". Abandoning their previous expensive studio elixirs, this was recorded in a cheap Cardiff establishment. They achieved the desired immediacy. Seemingly, though, there was a cost As with Nirvana's In Utero album, The Holy Bible apparently found its motive stretched to breaking point.

Everything Must Go (1996)
The Manics decided to continue as a trio. Things are different, but, oddly, not really depleted. Featuring such innovations as lyrics that scan, this was mainstream rock exercised with remarkable grace. The A Design For Life single - their big commercial breakthrough - was anthemic rock of rare profundity. It all amounted to justification of every hyperbolic claim they'd ever made.

This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours (1998)
Tails off badly, but a record that has been misguidedly maligned - by the band, among others. It flung out hit singles and, with If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next, took intelligent, poignant consideration of war and idealism to Number 1 in the hit parade. The Manics in introspective, but still inspiring, mood.

Know Your Enemy (2001)
Their first real faux pas - a failure in both artistic and commercial terms. Apparently, events found Nicky Wire running out of steam. His lyrics were so listless that the album's one unalloyed success - the lovely, bittersweet Ocean Spray - had words by James Bradfield.

Source: Mojo, February 2002
By: Stuart Bailie

ARTICLE ORIGINALLY FOUND AT THE ART OF FALLING APART

easytiger_64 @ 2004-07-21T06:08:00

2004-07-21T10:09:44Z

I found the following article a couple of years ago and bookmarked the site. I just re-read it and forgot how wonderful it was. Thought I would post it to share with others of like mind. To see the original, go to Leper cult disciples of a stillborn Christ

'Leper cult disciples of a stillborn Christ': Richard Edwards as meaningful in his fans' constructions of their identities
By Francesca Skirvin

Introduction

In May 1998 the Manchester Metro News carried the following headline: 'Why Did Chris Follow Richey To His Death?' The story concerned a seventeen-year-old from Marple who drowned in the River Severn after making a 'pilgrimage to the scene of the pop stars disappearance'. His mother was quoted as saying 'I feel that it should be publicly known that teenagers are so influenced at this age. Christopher has copied this pop star. He has just done it because he got the idea from him. It is just wrong.' The coroner said 'clearly Christopher was influenced by this media pop idol and undoubtedly he was in a very disturbed state…probably following what he had read about this idol.'

This article affected me in many ways. In addition to my anger at the usual knee-jerk reaction from the press and its seeming inability to consider any other motive for a person to take their life other that the influence of a 'media pop idol' there were more personal reasons. I live in the small village of Marple, I have spent the majority of my teenage life in awe of the same idol and I visited the Severn Bridge a few moths before Christopher 'following what [I] had read about this idol.'

Richard James Edwards (Richey James) was the guitarist, lyricist and 'Minister of Information' (Shutkever,1996:51) for rock band Manic Street Preachers . The band first came to prominence in 1990 and as their lyricist and spokesman, Edwards remained the figurehead of the band until his disappearance in February 1995. Since then the band have continued without him and have achieved huge mainstream popularity.

I chose to examine fans of Manic Street Preachers and Richey in particular for a number of reasons. My own fan - idol relationship with Richey has troubled me for many years in that I have been unable to reconcile my own actions as a fan with the strong influence I believe he has had in the formation of my own identity and my strong theoretical beliefs that mass media cannot have a direct effect upon a person, no matter how high levels of exposure are. Manics fans also seemed the ideal research subjects as they are notoriously enthusiastic about discussing the group and have a reputation as an eloquent and thoughtful group of people. The Manics have the reputation of attracting 'mentalists' as bassist Nicky Wire lovingly described them (Price,1999:58), and are renowned for their hard core followers, who will spend thousands on merchandise, records and following the band on tours. There are also huge numbers of websites, fanzines and literature dedicated to the band which allowed research into the general characteristics and views of the fans. Many of these fans are particularly interested in Richey, seeing him as the core and the focal point of the group.

I analysed the way in which Richey particularly may have contributed to his fans' sense of identity. It is very important to differentiate between influence (which I believe the mass media can have on an audience) and direct formative effects (the suggestion that exposure to mass media messages can lead directly to imitative behaviour by an audience). The behaviour I will examine differs from common fan behaviour, such as collecting memorabilia and imitating the idols style of dress. The fans I examined went beyond these activities to the point that they feels a personal bond with the iconic figure. The icon can then become a very strong interpersonal socialiser in the lives of their fans, becoming an influential source in the formation of their fans' identities and competing with (and often overruling) traditional socialisers such as parents, peers, and school. Through my research I hope to demonstrate that this unusual influence is the result of a combination of a mediated idol who for a number of reasons is seen as particularly special, coupled with characteristics of the individual fans which leads to the need for and the eventual formation of these very strong bonds with the idol.

Before examining my own research, it is important to examine both media effects theory and identity theory, both of which are hotly debated topics which require significant investigation.

Mass Media Effects V's Media Use

Hansen and Hansen (1991:337) identified three theoretical perspectives to explain the correlation between social perception and personality in choosing a musical preference: 1) frequent media exposure alters personality and social perceptions to correspond with what is portrayed, or 2) media preference can be determined by extant personality characteristics, or 3) causation may be reciprocal between media exposure and both personality characteristics and social perception.

The theory that media shapes consumers, now seems archaic in its simplicity and disregard for any intelligence on the consumer's behalf. Hansen and Hansen put forward the notion that the higher the level of exposure to a type of social information, the more ingrained that information becomes in the memory of the consumer and the likelihood of them using this information to form their own interpretations of social reality increases. They cite research by Bargh (1984) and Fazio (1989) to suggest that the availability of certain kinds of information in the media is able to guide the individual's judgements and attitudes. It is important to stress that the notion that the media has a direct formative effect is outdated and rejected by many theorists. The idea that the fan's personality and social perceptions alter to fit the kind of music that are listening to seems simplistic, although my research shows that there is certainly some level of influence.

The second perspective suggests that certain adolescents may be drawn to an idol because some aspects of him reflect their own perceptions of social reality. This is a reflection of the critical theory that states the media reflect the desires of the consumer, providing them with what they seek. There is also extensive research which shows that people seek stimuli which is consistent with their own attitudes and opinions (Hansen, 1980, 1986; Ross, 1981).

The third theory, of a kind of socialisation, close to Gerbner et al.'s (1986) cultivation theory, emphasises the idea of interaction between the consumer and the media. The media is seen not as simply a mirror, reflecting the whims of the buying public, attempting only to satisfy their needs. In the same way, the consumer is not a helpless victim of the all-powerful media, forcibly injected with and shaped by its messages. Instead, The media displays a certain level of sensitivity and aims to satisfy the wishes of its audience, but the consumer is somewhat persuaded by the type of social reality the media depicts. Hasen and Hasen (1991:338) suggest that this is marked by a gradual shift in social values towards those supported in the media. This would suggest that adolescents are attracted to an idol because they posses some attributes that attract them to some aspect of him or her. These attributes are then strengthened through prolonged interaction with (on a superficial level) and frequent exposure to the idol and the aspects that were first attractive to them.

Significance of Adolescence

In my research into identity formation, it became obvious that though identity may shift and develop throughout life, there are certain points at which humans are more open to influence and moulding of their ideas and values. Adolescence is both the time at which identity is most likely to be formed and the time at which music is most prominent as a source of passionate intensity . Raviv et al. (1995) noted that the phenomenon of idolisation is especially characteristic of early adolescence. They note that in westernised youth culture, idols are drawn from sport, entertainment and music, all of which receive extensive mass media exposure (Raviv et al. 1995:632). They note that the adolescent is particularly likely to idolise mass media figures because of the characteristics of the age period, observing that adolescence is the period where individual identity is being strongly shaped and that adolescents are keen to differentiate themselves from adults and fit into their peer groups (Raviv et al.,1995:633). Arnett (1995) theorised that the diminishment in the presence and influence of parents at this time as relative to childhood allows the adolescent more freedom to explore alternative viewpoints and to make use of media which may fit their personalities and opinions more closely that traditional modes of socialisation .

Identity Theory

Debate about the nature and function of identity is constantly being unfolded and enriched in both psychological and social fields. The origins of the word are from the Latin root 'idem', implying sameness and continuity. There are loosely three different concepts about the nature of identity, Hall (1992) sets these out clearly. He identifies the Enlightenment (sometimes known as the Essentialist) argument as the notion that there is an essential core to identity which was created with the individual. This argument assumes that there is a unique core which identifies the true essence of each person and which remains constant throughout their life.

The sociological concept is, unsurprisingly, that favoured by the majority of sociologists. This theory states that a coherent identity is formed in relation with other people and thus develops and changes over time. By constructing identity through networks of social relationships, it is learnt and taught through the process of socialisation and every-day interaction.

More recently the postmodern subject has come to be seen as a third category. Believing that in postmodern society, identity has become dislocated (discussed later) theorists have argued that a postmodern subject has evolved with no fixed or essential identity, but one which is self-constructed by the individual playing with images. The postmodern subject is seen to have many identities for use in different situations, all of which are constantly evolving to fit their social needs.

I have chosen to pursue the sociological and postmodern concepts in my research, believing socialisation to be the most important factor in identity formation and allowing for the possibility that identity is increasingly becoming a construct, with each person slipping on a variety of masks to suit different occasions.

My Research

In addition to finding evidence to back up my theory in my personal archive of fanzines and fan letters to the music press, I undertook empirical research in the form of questionnaires and semi-structured interviews. The interviews allowed me the flexibility to collect qualitative information which could be compared but also enabled me to ask the subject to elaborate on or clarify certain comments, interviews were used whenever possible. Questionnaires were used to collect the opinions of those who I was unable to interview but thought would probably hold important views on the subject. I was able to interview ten people and a further ten filled out my questionnaires, Many of the face to face interviewees were found at my local rock club and were approached because they were immediately recognisable as Manics fans by their style of dress. Some were people from my own social circle who I know had dedicated large portions of their life to following the group. Those who filled in the questionnaire were contacted via the official Manics chat forum and this gave me the advantage of gathering the opinions of people in America, Sweden and Spain.

The basis of my research centres around Richey as a mediated product, in that the relationship between him and the vast majority of his fans is conducted purely through the media, with occasional live appearances which are also heavily mediated. I have considered the small number who actually met Richey but have found that this was usually for a very brief time (around 15 minutes at most) and tended to involve lots of senseless babbling on their behalf with almost no exchange of information above basic questions such as 'how do you get your eyeliner so perfect?' (Anne). For the purpose of my theory I am examining the influence Richey may have had through interviews, music videos and pictures because these are the only source of contact for the majority of his fans.

Findings

The response was fantastic with people willingly talking for hours with great zeal and insight into their relationship with Richey. Overall the fans had a deep level of understanding about their fandom and were able to articulate the reasons they perceived to be behind this. The vast majority were also extremely culturally and politically aware and were very interested in my ideas about the Manics subversion of things like gender roles. They were also very aware of the nature of their relationship with Richey. When questioned as to whether they would like to meet him, the majority of fans I questioned said that they would not because they have a high level of awareness of the chasm between their own personal fantasy image of him and the mediated image of him and him as an actual person:

'it'd ruin my perception of him, which I'm aware is completely constructed, what he is like as a real person isn't important to me, cause that's not what I know of him'. (Gavin)

Identity and Attire

'If you're hopelessly depressed like I was, then dressing up is just the ultimate escape. When I was young I just wanted to be noticed. Nothing could excite me except attention so I'd dress up as much as I could. Outrage and boredom just go hand in hand' Richey (quoted in Smith,1995:165)

The most immediately obvious way in which Manics fans can be seen to have been influenced by the band is in their style of dress, and many fans are easily identifiable by their use of certain signifiers. Each album released by the group before the most recent one (This Is My Truth, Tell My Yours) was accompanied by a dramatic new image, reminiscent of Madonna's complete re-inventions of her appearance. These fashion statements tended to be lead by Richey and Nicky. The Generation Terrorists period was marked out with feather boas, leopardskin, tiaras, spray painted slogans, glitter and thick black eyeliner. This was followed by the Gold Against The Soul period, which saw the Manics decked out in blouses and floral dresses (in Nicky Wire's case). Favourite with the fans is the Holy Bible look, which comprised sailor suits and army fatigues. The Everything Must Go C&A style is generally avoided, especially by fans of Richey in particular. This period is seen as very different in terms of politics and philosophy to the years when Richey was in the band and many fans simply did not like their change of direction, both musically and in their appearance:

'Something had just gone, that spark, the fun and the bile and the dressing up, us against them. I guess they realised they had lost and for me that essence that made them my life had gone. I don't think I changed, I still wear the old stuff' (Alastair).

Some fans take symbolisers from specific periods while the majority seem to take their favourite bits of each and cut and paste them into a bizarre mix of militant glamour. I had thought that for most this was a kind of 'uniform' to symbolise their association with the band. However, when questioning people about this there were many claims that while these signifiers were employed they were seen more as an expression of personal identity than group identity :

'spray painted T-shirts just look nice, but I don't think it's necessarily a direct Manics reference.' (Alastair),

'I use make up to symbolise the same things they did, but not to reference them directly, but then, they introduced me to the idea of it in the first place.' (Gavin),

'I wear eyeliner, glitter, home made T-shirts and slogans, but it isn't necessarily to symbolise my identity, more a reflection, manifestation of it.' (Stephen).

Richey's (and the rest of the band's) dramatic shifts in clothing and appearance seem to demonstrate to his fans that identity is a construct which can be discarded and altered at will. In addition to showing the ways in which identity can be constructed through clothing, Richey also demonstrated to his fans that the body can be a site for the construction of identity through control and construction. He gave many interviews in late 1994 exhorting the virtues of mental strength, relating this to his ability to refuse food, withstand pain and (to a lesser extent) alter the body through tattoos and piercings.

Kellner (1995) has examined the postmodern aspect of playing with images to create identity. His case study of Madonna illustrated the ways in which 'fashion is an important constituent of one's identity, helping to determine how one is perceived and accepted…Fashion offers choices of clothes, style and image through which one could produce an individual identity' (Kellner,1995:264). Appearance is certainly one of the most crucial methods of immediately asserting an identity to society. The fans themselves are very aware of this. Alastair described the empowerment of wearing eyeliner and tight spray painted T-shirts:

'people think I'm odd anyway, at school you get those boys who always shout "queer" and stuff and at the time it upset me but now I've almost gone the other way…I love dressing up and its kind of a big "fuck you" to all those people, because it makes me happy and I feel good, and I don't care anymore. This is what I want to look like, this is me.'

In addition to simply seeking to look like their idols, some of the fans held surprisingly strong views about the power of such clothing. Gavin compared the uniforms of the Holy Bible period to a marching band he witnessed at the Seattle protests:

'there was this marching band all in black, with a black and red Anarchist banner, and it was great, facing those police officers in riot gear with your own uniform. In terms of what's now being called the information war, the Manics did the same thing. A parody of uniforms for non-conformists…but still something to rally round.'

The Fans

'The fact that we've got like 25 fanzines and 50 unofficial websites and all the rest of it, does give you a gratifying smile because those people aren't just dedicated to the band, they're dedicated to the whole lifestyle, the literary aspects, the film aspects, the whole package really. Its not just liking the music.' Nicky Wire (Quoted in Price,1999:59)

In attempting to understand the fan - idol relationship, in addition to seeking information about the figure of adoration, it is equally important to examine the characteristics of people who become ardent fans. There is little research on idolatrous behaviour, but Cheng's 1997 study is useful. His research into fan club members in Hong Kong concludes that fandom is associated with poor self-esteem and strong fear of negative evaluation. Cheng suggests that fan club members are drawn to superstars as a means of gaining pride from association and achieving status and peer respect through collection of items associated with the star and in some cases imitation of their appearance. The idea that fans are lacking is self-esteem seems an accurate description of Manics fans in particular. Fan art, prose and poetry seem to point to a group of people who in general have little self-esteem, often verging on self-hatred and identify with Richey especially because he is seen to share those feelings. There is a general understanding and acceptance within the Manics community of self-harm and anorexia, things which are frequently greeted with disgust and incomprehension in mainstream society. This may be partly because Richey was affected by these things but there is also a strong sense that the feelings which lead to such destructive behaviours are comprehensible.

The fans own opinions about what characteristics they posses as a group was surprisingly insightful. Many fans described themselves as alienated (from their surroundings, from contemporary culture, from society in general). When discussing Richey, fans described those with the strongest connection to him as 'people who feel alone, then they can know that there are others like this' (Rob). Depression and mental illness seemed to be the greatest characteristic that Manics fans believe Richey shares with them. Rhiannon claims 'I can relate to his problems through his songs…I went through a dark period and his lyrics helped me overcome my grief.' She felt she had a strong link with him because they 'shared some mental health problems'. Gill also identified with this aspect of Richey:

'the more I got to know about him…the more I began to realise that perhaps I've got some things in common with him, also the more messed up he got the more I felt I understood him, because I've suffered from depression most of my life.'

Richey's skilful use of iconography did not go unnoticed:

'people who love Richey are obsessive, insular, pragmatic people (in the nicest sense), who love the obvious socialist icons. People resentful of a capitalist, hedonistic, me, me, me climate' (Stephen).

Some views were more cynical, with people who love Richey being seen by Gavin as:

'susceptible to the kind of iconographic manipulation that Richey went in for… and which the media just runs on. Give someone alienated from one set of beliefs, (which most real Manics fans are I think) a new system of idols that taps into the sources of their alienation (Manics as anti-capitalist, anti-masculine, pro-depression, and the issues around it…) and they'll buy right into it.'

Stephen identified Richey as 'the last icon', describing his important characteristics as intelligence, sensitivity and articulation and describing these as 'the best things about humanity, ideals to aspire to'. He goes on to state that he did not consciously choose Richey but 'just became attached to him because he is a manifestation of my ideals of humanity'. Most of the fans stated admiration for primarily his intelligence but also his beauty. Anne's favourite characteristic being 'his brain! His sexy, sexy brain…never stops reading, thinking and questioning'.

While I found only one fan who seemed to simply copy him indiscriminately:

'When I first found him, everything he said I said…everything I did was because Richey did and everything I thought was because Richey thought it. I'm not sure if that was a good thing' (Becky).

The majority of the other fans had taken specific steps which they considered would bring them closer to their ideal, these tended towards activities such as 'reading lots of books' (Kasper) 'expressing my opinion, striving to be individual' (Wayne) 'I gave up T.V. recently, which he would of liked'. (Anne)

Fans identified the reasons that unhealthy attachments were formed as a lack of anything else to admire or aspire to. There was a strong sense that Richey represented and ideal in a world they see as a moral and spiritual void. Many claimed that the attachment is 'all they have' (Kasper) while others ware more scornful, Gavin claimed that idolatry was the result of an intense dislike of the self, noting that:

'if you put them in a position above you then you're putting yourself down, in trying to become your idol you are subjugating your own identity… I guess its because they don't admire themselves enough to want to stay who they are…its the same principle advertising works on - be like this and you'll be cool and popular.'

With only one exception, everyone I questioned said that to them being a Manics fan was the single most important element of their identity. Most of them attacked the other traditional categories I offered such as gender, race and sexuality, claiming they were irrelevant in the current cultural climate. Gavin recognised:

'part of what I liked about the Manics was their ability to 'cut up' different elements of popular culture and stick them back together for their own ends, like they were very aware of themselves as pop singers, as an image commodity. They made themselves into whatever they wanted to be at that moment with little regard for traditional ideas of fixed or given identity. And encouraged their fans to do the same - which is pretty revolutionary really.'

Anne said that to her, being a fan is more important than other categories because

'its something you choose to be a part of and it reflects your personality while other divisions (categories of identity) are outside your control.'

The fans generally seem to subscribe to the Butler school of thought, in that they see themselves as very much playing with their identities and using a variety of different identities as performances. None of them considered themselves as having a 'core' identity, pre determined by static elements such as gender or sexuality but all defined their own identities according to the situation and often their mood. From my own experiences with Manics fans and their responses to my questions, it is obvious that many of them use gender in particular as fluid and variable. There is a very strong androgynous element in the band and as a result, in the fans, the clothing and make up used is unisex and with both girls and boys trying to look like Richey there is often no indicator of gender. Importantly, things like men wearing dresses and make-up is almost unanimously accepted among the fans as perfectly normal.

Most claimed that they identified themselves as Manics fans as a lifestyle choice and that this was a permanent part of them which was only sometimes on display (usually through clothing/make-up etc.) When asked in what situations they do and do not feel/act/dress like a Manics fan, all answered that they always feel like a Manics fan 'its not a part time position' (Alastair), but that it was not always outwardly obvious:

'I always feel like a Manics fan…but I don't always dress like one' (Charlotte).

Gavin said he enjoyed not being a Manics fan 'amongst lots of adoring and uncritical Manics fans' but 'acted' most like a fan 'amongst people who aren't all Manics fans.'

Anne was offended by the question, claiming that asking 'when do you not feel like a Manics fan?' was 'akin to asking "When do you choose not to breathe?'

It is interesting to note that while Richey has not been a member of the band since his disappearance in February 1995, the fans speak about him as if he is still very much present. The explanation for this I believe lies in their sense of him as more than simply a person, he is an absent presence. Many fans spoke of him in religious terms, using phrases such as 'when I first found him' (Jessica) and 'he was like Jesus' (unnamed in Price: 197). At concerts fans can be seen gazing in awe at the stage, singing every word as if in prayer. Eventually Richey's cutting and bleeding came to be seen in Christ-like terms, as deeply symbolic, among some fans he became seen as a martyr figure 'he bleeds for our sins ' (Price). The majority of Richey's fans do not pretend that the group no longer exist, they often buy the new records and attend recent concerts but there is a strong sense of the before and the after and many of the fans seem to cling to his influence.

Identity and Difference

There is a widely held idea that identity is defined by difference, in that its boundaries are defined by what it is not, that which is considered 'the other'. I asked the Manics fans if they felt in some way different to other people and if there were differences within the Manics fan community. While there are a vast array of mass media icons to choose from, some seem for one reason or another to be particularly meaningful to a group of people. It is difficult to name particular idols as it is very much a case of personal attachment. In my social circles and the media I use, Kurt Cobain, Morrissey and Richey are the icons with the greatest idolatrous behaviour attached to them. This is not to say that there are not other idols who are equally important yet more obscure or more populist. It would be wrong to 'grade' idolatrous behaviour according to the worth of the idol, though many Manics fans believe that Richey is superiour to the population in general. Wayne claimed that Manics fans are:

'more open to a world view, not puppets…they see the world as it is.'

and Alastair thought that:

'my reasons for loving the Manics are more valid and well thought out than people who like other bands'.

Many fans felt those who were not aware of the Manics were missing out and that those who dismissed them simply 'don't get it' (Kasper). A large number also identified that their involvement with the group had led to their whole outlook on life being different:

'all the books I read, all the music I listened to and the politics I investigated were because Richey and Nicky talked about them…so my life was dominated by them and that makes me different to people who weren't exposed to that or chose not to follow it' (Rhiannon).

Gavin spoke of giving a copy of the Holy Bible (the album) to his friend and being amazed that it didn't change his life in the way it had for him. He also recognised the influence in his life:

'I guess I have a different way of looking at things in terms of them opening up some ideas to me whilst I was still pretty young that I wouldn't have come into contact with otherwise'.

Kasper described it as:

'something you wear proudly, like a tattoo, a piece of your identity, something you define yourself by "I'm Kasper, 26, student, Manics fan".

One of the reasons I have considered for Richey's ability to become an interpersonal role model and for the formation of so many unusually intense fan relationships, is the unusual relationship he had with the music press.
After he responded to a journalist's taunts that the group was not 'for real' by slashing the words into his forearm (a gesture which required between 16-23 stitches, depending on who you believe) music press coverage has been guarded if not outright reverential in tone.

Richey's portrayal in the press has neatly covered over the less pleasant aspects associated with alcoholism, anorexia and mental collapse, frequently relying on the tortured artist myth and using pinups of his emaciated (although admittedly beautiful) torso to sell papers by the ton. In addition to the reverential attitude of the press, it seems that for the many fans who were not able to meet Richey personally or even see the band play live, his unusual frankness and willingness to go into depth about his personal feelings has served the purpose of giving them a strong figure to identify with and the sense that they were privy to an intimate and private (though one way) conversation.

Many fans describe the idea that Richey was talking about things in the press which simply had not been addressed before:

'I think there are so many people who like the Manics who cut themselves and have eating disorders and because it was a thing that a lot of people were ashamed of , they think its abnormal and disgusting, but he came along, he's in the media, he's very beautiful and intelligent and he does it as well so it made it seem less embarrassing' (Jessica).

'basically he epitomised everything that people were feeling and gave it a place in the media' (Becky).

Richey himself seemed to draw the adoration of the fans through a combination of being their ideal (in that he was very beautiful and intelligent) and also reflecting parts of themselves (in that he felt like a failure, was very insecure, unable to have a close relationship and suffered from depression). Richey epitomised many of the problems that adolescents in particular experience, by willingly discussing these in the media he seemed to attract a lot of people who saw him half as a comfort (in the sense that they were not alone) and half as an aspirational figure (in that despite his problems he was a very glamorous and articulate figure).

Media Pressure

While we have established that the mediated relationship between Richey and his fans was unusual, it is also interesting in the implication that the situation may have become a reversal of the traditional mass media influence argument. Many music critics and indeed fans themselves commented on the possibility that it was the heavy media coverage of fan's reactions to Richey's illness that was an influencing factor in his disappearance from the public eye:

'he became one of those people that just fascinated the fans because they saw a lot of themselves in Richey Manic, so they wanted to know more and more about him and I think that's where he started having one or two problems' (Lamaq, quoted in 'The Vanishing of Richey Manic', 1997).

'during those last few months when Richey was hospitalised, there did seem to be an almost cult of mainly young females who were starving themselves, cutting themselves and writing into the music press…and to think what effect that must have had on Richey himself' (Price, quoted in 'The Vanishing of Richey Manic', 1997).

Conclusions

While it has been established that mass media role models are very much a part of contemporary culture, It seems that they are not simply a postmodern phenomenon. From the advent of mass media, superstars have been the subject of frenzied adoration and on occasion seem to have wielded a direct influence over their fans. From the suicides that greeted the death of Valentino to the pre-teen who devotes their life to following N Sync, mass media icons have been the subject of widespread adoration for many years. I do believe however that in contemporary society, mass media role models are becoming increasingly chosen as contributors to their fans identity.

Is There a Crisis of Identity?

Postmodern theory states that coherent identity has diversified and fragmented into a group of precarious and conflicting identities. Globalisation has led to the disappearance of traditional frames of reference by which personal identity has traditionally been formed. This crisis of identity has been described by Laclau as 'dislocation'. He argues that modern society has lost its core or centre which produced fixed identities and has a number of smaller centres. (quoted in Woodward,1997:21) Frames of reference such as social class, family, local community, religion and the nation have been destabilised and sometimes completely eradicated by the tendency of modern capitalism to globalise. Strinati (1995) has noted the theorists tendency to see 'dislocation' as a problem, increased by the lack of any 'viable form' to take the place of traditional sources of identity. There is the belief that people are left without a stable or coherent sense of self-identity (Strinati,1995:238), turning only to popular culture and the mass media to construct and personal identity.

Laclau sees dislocation as positive, he argues that it offers a plurality of places from which new identities can emanate. This notion certainly seems more sensible. The notion of 'identity crisis' is implicitly bad, many arguments seem to imply that formation of identity is more difficult now than in pre modern society which awarded fixed identities according to criteria such as class, gender and race.

For people who wished to display an identity that conflicted with these assumptions, such as men who wish to wear make -up or dresses, a society where a diverse range of identity choices is available seems more attractive and less painful to be a part of. I believe that the phenomenon of turning to mass media icons for socialisation is not a product of fragmentation but of alienation and dissatisfaction with other forms of socialisation.

'I'm not the way I am because I like them, I like them because they're like me.' (Jo, letter to the NME,1995:46)

Adolescents seem to be increasingly using media for the purpose of self-socialisation. For some this involves a wide range of media, but for many it involves one particular figure who comes to play an interpersonal role in their life. The ever increasing range of media available for consumption is allowing young people an increased array of viewpoints and ideals to select from, allowing for more freedom to select role models which may conflict with traditional methods of socialisation but are close to the adolescent's developing tastes and personality. While socialisers such as family and school are bound to teach their own values and ideals, for the teenager who finds they do not believe in these teachings, media icons can provide an alternative source of socialisation and replace some of their feelings of alienation with affinity.

The messages being received by an icon like Richey may seem problematic because they tend to be different than those put forward by established authority figures: the mother of Chris seemed to believe that her son had died simply because he wanted to copy his hero. Richey is clearly very influential as a mass media icon, the fans themselves readily admit they have sought out books he read, they dress like him and do things they believe he would like. But they were also drawn to him in the first place because they share certain characteristics which have made them seek a role model who suits them and who appeals to their values and aspiration.

This increase in the variety of mass media messages and the 'dislocation' of postmodern society provides space for the emergence of an increasing range of identities, which can be used and discarded at will. Through the disintegration of restrictions and expectations which once governed the self, a myriad of new forms of identity are able to emerge. Fans of Richey who use him in their construction of their identities are only one example of the ways in which mass media (and society as a whole) is increasingly presenting opportunities for diversification in the formation and presentation of identity.

REFERENCES

Books & Articles

Arnett, Jeffrey (1995) 'Adolescent's Use of Media for Self-Socialisation' in Journal of Youth and Adolescence 24, 5: 519 - 533.

Burkitt and Tester (1996) 'Identity' in Developments in Sociology 12, Lancashire: Causeway Press.

Butler, Judith (1990) Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity, London: Routledge.

Cheng, Sheung-Tak (1997) 'Psychological Determinants of Idolatry in Adolescents' in Adolescence 32, 127: 687 - 692.

Clarke, Martin (1997) Manic Street Preachers: Sweet Venom, London: Plexus.

Edwards, Richard 'Starlover' B-Side to 'You Love Us' Heavenly 1991.

Gerbner, G et al. (1986) 'Living With Television: The Dynamics of the Cultivation Process' in J. Bryant and D. Zillman (eds.) Perspectives on Media Effects, Hillsdale: Erlbaum.

Hall, S (1992) 'The Questions of Cultural Identity' in S. Hall, D. Held and T. McGraw (eds.) Modernity and its Futures, Cambridge: Polity Press.

Hall Hansen and Hansen (1991) 'Constructing Personality and Social Reality Through Music' in Journal of Broadcasting and Electronic Media 35, 3: 335 - 50.

Jo (1995) Letter to NME 15th April 1995.

Kellner, D (1995) 'Madonna, Fashion and Image' in Kellner Media Culture: Cultural Studies, Identity and Politics Between the Modern and the Postmodern, London: Routledge.

Lewis, Lisa (1994) The Adoring Audience: Fan Culture and Popular Media, London: Routledge.

May, Tim (1996) Social Research: Issues, Methods and Process, Philadelphia: Open University Press.

Metro News (1998) 'A Tragic Pilgrimage' May 1st 1998.

Middles, Mick (1999) Manic Street Preachers: A Biography, London: Omnibus Press.

Price, Simon (1999) Everything: A book About Manic Street Preachers, London: Virgin.

Raviv et al (1995) 'Adolescent Idolisation of Pop Singers: Causes, Expressions and Reliance' in Journal of Youth and Adolescence 25, 5: 631 - 50.

Segal, Lynne (1997) 'Sexualities' in Kathryn Woodward (ed.) Identity and Difference, London: Sage.

Shutkever, Paula (1996) Manic Street Preachers: Design For Living, London: Virgin.

Smith, Richard (1995) Seduced and Abandoned: Essays on Gay Men and Popular Music, London: Cassell.

Strinati, Dominic (1995) An Introduction to Theories of Popular Culture, London: Routledge.

Whiteley, Sheila (1997) Sexing the Groove: Popular Music and Gender, London: Routledge.

Wise, Nick (1997) Manic Street Preachers, London: Omnibus Press.

Woodward, Katherine (1997) 'Concepts of Identity and Difference' in Kathryn Woodward (ed.) Identity and Difference, London: Sage.

Video Material

'The Vanishing Of Richey Manic' Broadcast on Channel 4, 1997.

'Close Up: Manic Street Preachers' Broadcast on BBC 2, 1999.

Interview Subjects

Alastair, 21, Student, Leeds

Anne, 21, Student, Manchester

Becky, 17, Bristol

Blanche, 32, Travel Agent, Los Angeles

Charlotte, 23, Unemployed, Leeds

Claire, 25, Student, Leeds

Emily, 31, Unemployed, Whitby

Evan, Manics Webmaster

Gavin, 22, Student, London

Gill, 34, Manics Fanzine Editor

Jessica, 17, Bristol

Kasper, 26, Student, Sweden

Luc, 29, Credit Controller, Sweden

Nikk, 17, Manics Fanzine Editor

Nina, 24, Student, Manchester, Manics Fanzine Editor

Rhiannon, 16, Student, Cardiff

Rob, 21, Student, Sheffield

Stephen, 19, Student, Leeds

Wayne, 20, Part Time Shop Assistant, Barnsley

Zara, 14, Manchester

This essay was written as a 'Communications Long Essay' in spring 2000, when Francesca Skirvin was a Level Three student at the Institute of Communications Studies, University of Leeds, UK.

FINALLY MY DSL

2004-06-17T06:08:00Z

I can't believe it but after what seems like an eternity, I finally have my dsl connection for my computers. FTPs look out. By the weekend, I am going to have my Manics FTP back up and running plus I plan on starting another one for my Depeche Mode collection which has become fairly extensive - video wise at least. I still need more DM mp3s but I have got time!!!

NEED TO WAKEN FROM COMA...

2004-05-18T12:54:03Z

OK I am finally going to enter something. For the last month I have been suffering from an extrreme case of apathy and I can not seem to shake it either. I think it all started about the same time that I started battling my internet provider...still not resolved so still really bummed out. I am pretty much fit to be tied. I have been patiently waiting about 2 and a half weeks for the place that I work for to set up my high speed account. They even gave me my modem to take home so I was good to go as soon as the phone line was provisioned. I knew that the person that was processing my info was shaky at best and I knew that I should have been more persistent a few weeks ago because today I find out that none of my paperwork has been even processed so I am pretty much still another two and half weeks away from my high speed connection. I am going to go mental... On a lighter note, I have been playing around with some buttons and banners so that I am good to go with my site as soon as I get my connection back....

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FTP Banner

2004-04-27T15:48:44Z

Here is the main title that I have been working on for the ftp. I wanted to enter it with the previous entry but for some reason, each time that I tried to enter it, it would not show the picture. It did not matter how I tried to enter it...I don't know what I was doing wrong but hopefully this will show up the way that I want it to...I am continually drawn to the purple and white combo but have been playing around with black and white also...Don't know what colours yet that I plan on going with...

Long Overdue Entry

2004-04-27T15:26:11Z

It has been awhile since I have had a chance to write anything. I have been busy at work learning all sorts of new stuff and it has been pretty hectic in the office for the month of April. I can't belileve that April is almost over. It has just flown on by with barely so much as a blink of an eye.

Work is still pretty nifty. I have been trained fully on this new position that I am in the middle of taking over. I guess by the end of this month, I will be completely trained and able to take on these new responsibilities on my own - pretty cool, I guess. My boss has also approaced me with the offer of taking on a team lead position too. This one won't start for another month or so but I told him that I would most definitely be up for the challenge. What this means is that there would be a group of employees that would answer directly to me. I think that each team lead at this company ususally looks after about 10 to 12 employees. If they have any concerns, requests, suggestions, etc they would go to me. I would ensure that our schedule is adequately covered, that everyone was doing what they were supposed to be doing when they were supposed to be doing it, etc. Kind of like a grown-up babysitter. The people on my team wouldn't only come from the department that I work in either. I guess the thought behind this is that we all then have a chance to see what other people in the company do and then can become really familiar with all aspects and not just the one area that we work in. Makes sense to have as many people cross trained as possible. That way if someone is away, it is a lot easier to find someone to fill their vacancy and work can stay pretty much current without falling too far behind.

Enough about work!!! I am still having a fight with my internet provider so I have completely cancelled my cable and am now just on regular dial-up which really sucks big. I am getting high speed dsl but that won't be for another 8-10 days still. Hopefully it will be worth the wait because I want to get my web site back up and want to start running my ftp again. Combined with the problems that I have been having with my ISP, I have been having a terrible time with one of my computers. It got some sort of virus on it back in March and I have had to reinstall the OS so many times since then that I have lost count. Many of my files were damaged severely. A lot were backed up but there were a significant number that weren't so it has been bloody hell trying to recover these corrupt files - it was a 160GB hard drive so even if only 10% were crap, that still translates to 16GB of files that I have to attempt to repair manually. A lot of these damaged files were my Manic Street Preacher's ftp files so I have about 900 plus mp3s that I have to go thru one at a time to figure out what they are, etc. There are a whole boatload of other files that I have to sort too. I have been procrastinating doing this as well because it isn't the "funnest" job in the world but I don't think that I can procrastinate much longer because I am approaching the two month anniversary of the ftp being down and that isn't fair to those that want to get at these Manic files. I was thinking of creating a folder for the damaged files and seeing if I could get a few members of the ftp to download a bunch of files and check thru them and then re upload them back to the ftp once they were all fixed. Mostly all that they would have to do is rename them and make sure that the correct file extension is included. All these files were rewritten with an MS-DOS file name i.e. MANIC~1, MANICS~2, etc. All the extensions were dropped so I have about 600 mp3s that appear to be titled the same. The only good thing about this is that I am so anal retentive so over 90% of these files had correct mp3 tags so if you have a proper program, you can extract the tags and use the tags to rename the file. Even so, the process is extremely time consuming and tedious. I will think more of a solution later.

I am at work right now so this will be all for now. Went to see a really good band on Saturday night - Alexisonfire. Two of my friends were in one of the bands opening for Alexisonfire which was tres cool. I have some pictures that I will post in the next couple of days too...ok work beckons so must go for now...

Here are some of the new graphics that I have been working on for the ftp:

FTP is back in the game...

2004-04-10T06:17:02Z

Emma Davis

2004-04-10T00:56:29Z

Emma Davis is one of my favourite artists. I have made some icons out of her artwork.

Work and oh my God!!!

2004-04-08T22:15:51Z

Tomorrow will mark the end of my fifth full week at this job. I know now that I have made the right decision. This is definitely the place for me. I kind of knew that all along, I just haven't had the chance to really sit back and access the situation. I am glad that I quit that other job even though moving to this one meant over $120/week less to start - or about $500/month less. In the long run, this job will end up paying me back more than I would ever have earned at the other. For one thing, at the other place, the chance for advancement would be no where near what it will be here. Company Reject had over 1000 people while this place has about 150. It is so much easier to shine here. I would have been barely a number at the other place.

In fact, a week ago today, my boss took me aside to offer me another position already. He said that this position would give me a higher profile within the company, guaranteed job security and would mean that I would never have to work evenings or weekends again. Sold. I am game for anything. So the last week has been kind of crazed as I was barely finished my training for what I was originally hired to do. Newest training combined with my original training while my department attempts to launch two new projects spells dizziness. I mean, I normally enjoy a fast paced environment but there is fast paced and there is fast paced. Right now I am somewhere off the radar!!!

If that wasn't enough, I was just starting to feel comfortable with my new duties when my boss approached me today to let me know he was going to give me even more responsibilities because he felt that I had shown how mature and levelheaded I was under pressure. Tomorrow is a holiday, thank goodness, although I have to be in the office because we are a 24/7 office. My boss is not back until Monday so he said that we could sit down then and really thrash out what I would be doing in the future. I assume that more than some thrashing will be done because no matter how levelheaded, etc he thinks I am, I am so anal-retentive that I know that I will demand more structure than there exists currently. I am thinking this is a minor detail in the greater picture as I get the impression that it will be up to me to determine the final "structure" so I can be as anal as I want to be...

Anyway, now that I am at home and have finally stopped holding my breath, I guess I can breathe a sigh of relief. It has just been an absolutely crazed week that I haven't had a chance to let any of this sink in. I know I should be really excited and probably proud of myself but nothing yet. Nothing a nice glass of wine won't solve, I am sure!!!

CUSTOM ICONS

2004-03-31T09:23:09Z

I am a good friend!!!

2004-03-28T06:44:53Z

I should be going off to bed right now but I am not really sleepy. Even though it is Sunday, I said that I would come into the office today for an extra days work because we are behind on a project. That means that I will be working six days this week but the extra money at my next pay cheque will come in handy. I ended up spending $159 on Friday that I had not budgeted for so I need to make that up soon. Even though that is a lot of money right now to me, I feel really good about my purchase 'cause I got something for my bestest friend in the whole wide world and it was such a surprise to her that she cried. I am so glad that something I did made someone so happy.

We have been friends for almost 14 years and her birthday is next month plus she graduates school in June - finally. One of her favourite bands is Good Charlotte - I know and we are still friends - and they are headlining this years Edgefest in Toronto. The tickets went on sale on Thursday but I only found out Friday and I don't think that she even knew that they were even on sale yet. The rows were disappearing fast so my boss let me take an early lunch to go get the tickets - thank goodness there is a Ticketmaster outlet right across the street from my office. We hadn't even talked about going to the show 'cause she knows that I am not into this band so it was even a bigger shock when I gave her the present. I know that she wouldn't have been able to afford them because she just got her grad dress last week and she spent almost $200 on it - again something I would never do for any item of clothing but I sew so I would have made my own or looked around until I found some cool vintage item.

Long story short, she is over the moon and I am so happy that she is happy because she has always been there for me no questions asked. It will probably be a fun day anyway. It is at the Molson Amphitheatre which is a nice place and it is outside in the summer so the weather should be fine. So far the following bands are playing: Good Charlotte, Finger Eleven, Billy Talent, Jet, Alexisonfire, Something Corporate, Jersey and The Salads. There are still more bands to be announced too. It is not a terrible lineup but Good Charlotte couldn't be farther away from the Manics if I asked although I don't mind that video they do about suicide.

No matter what, by then we will have something worth celebrating so I am looking forward to it - my first summer event already planned and it is still only March!!!

Finally Organization!!!

2004-03-27T11:08:36Z

I finally started another Live Journal. This one is dedicated to my artwork of the Manic Street Preachers and Richey Edwards. I had gotten carried away with joining all these graphic and icon communities that my original journal's raison d'etre was no more. I don't have a lot of friends within the community but the few that I have made were all lost amongst the clutter of these other journals. The reason I even ended up maintaining my journal was harder to find and the friends that I had added were lost amongst the zillion posts from the graphic communities. I really like the other communities and they have been a tremendous benefit to me but I didn't feel comfortable having stuff that I had written here spread out all over the place so I have made the break.

I am going to put all my Manics art type stuff over at my new journal and I added all the deleted communities from here over there. Much easier for this anal retentive person to function. This disorder of the last month has near put me over the edge!!!

If anyone wants to check out the other journal, they can go to http://www.livejournal.com/users/crucified_grace. Right now it has all of one post but hey, you gotta start somewhere. Doubt there will really be any entries other than when I add a new image anyway. The other journal is also going to function as a really good links tool for all the resources out there for digital artwork - the labrynth of links alone can get so twisted and confusing at the best of times.

Think I will take a rest from the computer now as my eyes are getting kind of heavy anyway...

easytiger_64 @ 2004-03-26T12:51:00

2004-03-26T18:00:07Z

Feeling better today - thank goodness. I came into work although the bus ride into the office made my stomach a little topsy turvey - a wee bit of motion sickness, I suppose. I barely made it to the bathroom where I quickly lost all of my breakfast but ever since then, I have felt much better. Plus it is Friday which is always a good thing. Only thing that would make it better would be if it were a pay week. Ah well...one more week for that still.

Didn't do much of anything yesterday - just rested. Around dinner time, I started to feel a little bit better so I was able to eat a bit of food - was lazy so I ordered pizza for delivery. It was such a beautiful day yesterday - extremely mild. Today is ok but it has been raining on and off since I got up. It is mild and muggy though which is better than cold and snowy any day of the week!

Just bored at work right now. It has been a slow day so I thought if I typed this up in notepad first and then cut and paste, it would give the impression that I was actually being productive when in fact, I am as far away from productivity as is humanly possible...

OK, enough slacking off now...the big guy is wandering around...will have to find something that is actually work related now.

Feeling like crap

2004-03-25T17:10:03Z

Do not feel well at all today. Just feeling awful. So tired and every bone and muscle in my body feels as if it is going to explode. Hate when I feel this way. And it is such a nice day out there today also so I am also missing one of the nicest days this month. Went into work but escaped about an hour after I got there. I ended up just going to a friend's house 'cause it was closer than going all the way home. Yesterday three people called in sick and I was about to but I didn't have the right number to call in to report that I didn't feel well. Kind of glad that I didn't call in sick yesterday. Went in today even though I felt like crap just to see who was there. Once I saw that no one else had called in, I decided to go home. I did not look very well so no one questioned anything. I always feel so bad when I do call in - don't know why really, must be my Irish guilt or something just as dumb. But man, do I not feel well at all.

Work is going ok too which is fine. I got my first full pay check last week but one big bill that I had not paid took most of it. Now I am just waiting for my boyfriend to get to the bank so I can get the rest of the way home. I do not have enough money to take a bus home right now. I keep checking online but he hasn't gone yet. Don't know when he will be going but I hope it is not too much longer 'cause I really want to be in my own bed when I feel this bad. My stomach is pretty messed up too. My friend is looking for something to settle it down but hasn't found anything yet. Hope she has got something somewhere in her house. Right now she has another couple of friends over so she is a little distracted. I don't know how long they are hanging around for - hopefully they will be gone soon. I need some attention.

Saturday morn and I am at work!!!!!

2004-03-20T16:46:21Z

It is a rainy Saturday morn and I am stuck at work until at least 6pm although I did have yesterday off. I went shopping with my Mom 'cause my birthday is coming up and she wanted me to pick out a present. For some reason, she was feeling extremely generous so she bought me a sewing machine! Score! I am really pleased because the sewing machine that I use is about 40 years old - no word of a lie either. About two years ago, I found it in the basement of my boyfriend's parents house. I never even knew how to sew until I got my hands on this ancient machine either but it was something that I had always wanted to try so I figured this should do the trick.

Now I can not only sew but I am able to design my own patterns and make things that are actually quite good. The only problem had been the limited options available on the older machine - it couldn't do buttons or zippers. That became kind of irritating over a period of time so I have been dying to get a newer machine. I never expected that I would get a brand new one though. I am most excited. Of course, the one that I want is on backorder so I have to wait about two weeks before it will be in at the store. That is OK 'cause I've waited long enough anyway and I never expected to get a new one this year anyway - not able to afford one right now on my budget.

Anyway, actual work beckons me. Only another five hours or so to go until my weekend can officially start!!!

Rent and the consequences of not paying on time...

2004-03-18T21:22:02Z

Well, my day kind of turned out to be crap. My own fault but still. I owed some money to my landlord - for awhile now - and it has now come back to haunt me. I have to pay by Sunday - OR ELSE!!! Ooops. I can but there goes my whole pay tomorrow. I pretty much deserve this 'cause I pushed my luck by not paying earlier. What can you do? This would have been my first pay from my new job too. I can kiss that $600 good-bye pretty fast. I may have $200 left over - all depends on how much they end up taking for taxes and stuff. Gotta love the government. Oh well...think I may go and drown some of my sorrows.

More of the same...

2004-03-14T18:54:59Z

Feeling artist

2004-03-14T18:52:55Z

My web site

2004-03-10T02:58:50Z

When my internet was under suspension - it is back now - decided to reinstall my OS 'cause I knew that it had suddenly been infected with a ton of adware and crap. While I was reinstalling on one of my hard drives, the install somehow corrupted all my files on the other two partitions so my website and ftp files are an absolute mess - renamed everything. I want to get my ftp up and running but I have a lot of work ahead of me. Making a new website just for the ftp too - here is a peak at my first graphic for the site....

JDB ICONS

2004-03-07T21:48:19Z

Someone asked for JDB icons at the Forever Delayed forum so here they are...

Icon templates from
MINT TEA and
Kindermorder Graphics

Richey - who else?

2004-03-07T21:41:15Z

No Internet

2004-03-05T22:44:41Z

My internet provider has frozen my access to the internet until further notice. They claim right now that it is because we have a virus on our machine although I think it is because of the amount of bandwith that we are currently using. They are being pretty vague. Unfortunately, there are not alot of options where I live for highspeed service. Even if I change providers, the earliest I can have my dsl up and running is about 10 days so I am probably looking at being down for at least two weeks.

I so don't believe them 'cause they are liars. I know this. I know it is because of my website and ftp that I run. This really sucks. I am really feeling kind of sucky now. I can keep in touch while I am at work but this is a real pain in the you know what right now especially as my isp is threatening the same sort of action that the RIAA is threatening in the US. This could turn into a right nightmare. It is Friday afternoon now and will not be back in the office until Monday morning now

New Job

2004-03-04T00:39:01Z

OK, I am now finished day three of my new job. So far, so good. Yesterday was a little shaky 'cause the guy training me upset me early in the day and then I found it hard to shake that feeling. I don't think he really meant to but when he was showing us how to do something, he wasn't very clear and I kind of froze in confusion. He ended up snapping at me - although I doubt he meant for it to sound as harsh as it did - which made me freeze even more. I kind of was short with him then 'cause even though this is a new company, I am very good at what I do. Anyway, long story short, we ended up recovering and today was much better.

Icon templates from
MINT TEA and
Kindermorder Graphics